Pale As Hail Bakes A Cake

I’m not good with goodbyes. If it's a small goodbye, like my husband going to pick up groceries for dinner, I treat it like it is the last time I will ever see him. I will stall by creating ridiculous diversions and beg him to stay, until my stomach rumbles and I realize I’m in fact quite hungry. Then I push him out the door because WHY did he take so long to leave?! I then give a heartfelt goodbye lush with the kind of “I love you’s” and “Come back to me’s” you only expect from someone parting with a spouse leaving for war. If it’s a big goodbye, I avoid it entirely. 

Next week I’m making a big goodbye. Two years is not too long, but I’m at the point in life where I realize the place I was raised may never be my home again. Because I am a master of avoiding things I don’t like to deal with, I made a cake to say the toughest goodbyes for me.

This cake is for football. I don’t watch it, or like it, but I won’t be seeing it for a while.

This cake is for tall horses. Iceland’s miniature horses look like the fun sized version of your favorite candy bar we all resented on Halloween. 

This cake is for the lack of privacy in American bathroom stalls. I’ll miss that rush of adrenaline when I’m in a public bathroom and make eye contact with a woman who looks in through the large stall gap while washing her hands.

This cake is for In-N-Out and the 15+ pounds it gave me my Freshman year of college.

This cake is for Lean Cuisine and the 15+ pounds it helped me lose in hair school.

This cake is for Walmart. Because even though I mocked the shoppers and praised buying local, it felt nice buying Mucinex when I had a cold in the middle of November and knew I could shop in nothing but flannel pajamas and yesterday’s makeup without judgement. 

The best slice of this cake is for you, Jennifer Lawrence, please come to my house and take it. 

Bye Felicia

Recipe for Success

I do not cook. Once I tried to cook frozen wontons and nearly lit the kitchen on fire (totally hoping my landlord skips this part, Hi Nina!) Sometimes though, the experimental side of me pops out and I decide to embrace my Inner Pinner. Pinterest tells me to open an oven, put something inside, and take it out. Then I decorate my soul into a baked good before ultimately posting it online. And you can too! 

Step 1: Buy cake mix

Step 2: Read the box directions a dozen times

Step 3: Ignore most of the directions

Step 4: Use 2 more eggs than the box suggests

Step 5: Replace the oil with butter and double it (and don’t tell your healthy stepmother or she will not approve) 

Step 6: Go to the grocery store to buy butter because your healthy step mother would never have that much butter in the house…also buy frosting, no one is fancy enough to make that biz from scratch

Step 7: Use milk instead of water 

Step 8: Bake the cake

Step 9: Cool cake and curse while trying to get it out of the “non-stick” pan (remove cursing for a holier tasting pastry)

Step 10: Add frosting to cake

Step 11: Discover there is not enough frosting

Step 12: Go to the store to buy more frosting

Step 13: Realize the store is now closed because you decided to bake a cake at 10pm

Step 14: Make your own frosting with the rest of the house’s powdered sugar because you ARE fancy enough to make that biz from scratch

Step 15: Leave cake for family to eat because you don’t actually like cake

Step 16: Blog about moving to Iceland and find a way to tie in the cake you just made. 

Bye, Felicia